so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
