Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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