Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
