you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We have started to decorate penises.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize