Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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