My liver just broke up with me...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize