On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
