My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
worst night to have a conscience
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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