He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
