You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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