Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
