Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
