i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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