I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
