you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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