i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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