either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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