is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
