My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
