rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
