I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize