i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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