Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
