I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
