I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
