I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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