I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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