so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
