Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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