I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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