THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
