is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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