Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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