toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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