You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
