Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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