Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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