So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
