spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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