I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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