Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
