so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
