all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
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