two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
