Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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