I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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