I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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