My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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