i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
