You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
