Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I want to fling myself into the sun
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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