remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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