So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize