Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
