Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
