We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
