How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
