How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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