she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
