you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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