All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
