My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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