honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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