Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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