1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
50% drunk capacity currently
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
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