She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
