Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
