did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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